How to Cope with Miscarriage: Let’s Talk about it
Written by: Dr. Sunita Osborn
A little note first..
When I say let’s talk about it. I mean: Yes! Please! Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about this universal experience that affects one in four pregnancies. Let’s talk about this loss that can devastate an individual, a couple, and family to their very core. Let’s talk about how this painfully common human experience is so rarely talked about.
I’ll start.
I’ve had two miscarriages and they shattered my world. Even as months passed, I continued to feel the reverberations of aftershocks in myself, in my relationships, and in my world. That’s one of the many shocking aspects after a miscarriage. You feel like your world has imploded and the rest of the world continues to function and go on as if nothing has happened and you wonder, “Am I alone in this?” and “Is anyone hurting the way I am?” I know I certainly had those thoughts and painful wonderings and I yearned for validation, for support, and for guidance to navigate this new hell I was in.
Throughout my life, whenever I have needed solace, entertainment, an escape, or direction, I have reached for books. For the first time, I couldn’t find quite the book I was looking for. I craved the validation I would hear in another woman’s unfiltered journey through miscarriage while also craving a guide that would provide me with research-based insights to help me understand what I was walking through and where I needed to go next. I scoured the web and it just didn’t seem to exist. So I started writing as a form of therapy. I began by writing my personal story, the immediate events and the emotions I was experiencing. I wrote about all the various hurdles in my journey, including the impact of pregnancy loss on my relationship, the shame associated with miscarriage, and the shameful but undeniable anger I felt towards pregnant people and all things baby.
At some point, as I was writing, I realized it wasn’t that I couldn’t find the right book out there for me. It was that I needed to write this book. The aftershocks that came after my miscarriages carried not only pain and grief, but also held a deeply held sense of conviction and passion to contribute to the dialogue around miscarriage. To bring light to this rarely exposed subject by sharing both my personal and clinical experiences regarding miscarriage in the hopes of offering someone else the guidance and support I was needing after my losses. Thus, “The Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting” was born. The book is dedicated to providing women and their loved ones with the map they need to traverse the painful, shocking, and all-encompassing journey that is a miscarriage.
So, let’s. Let’s talk about miscarriage.
>>>
Part I
For centuries, there has been an implicit, sometimes explicit veil of silence around miscarriage. This silence acts as an incubator for all sorts of painful feelings, principal among them: shame. Think about it this way, after a miscarriage, we may experience grief, sadness, and devastation. We may have also indoctrinated the message that it is not okay to share these feelings with those around us because it is taboo to speak about miscarriage. Consequently, we keep those feelings hidden and in the dark, the proverbial incubator, which allows them to grow and develop from sadness and grief, completely natural reactions after a loss, to shame.
Shame is that uncomfortable feeling we experience when we not only feel we have done something bad, but that we are bad. Wholly different from the temporary embarrassment you feel at making a mistake or the guilt you feel at forgetting a friend’s birthday, shame is a much bigger, badder animal. Guilt says “I made a mistake” while shame says “I am the mistake.” The link between shame and miscarriage has been backed by countless studies and is one of the main reasons individuals who’ve suffered pregnancy loss stay silent.
When we start to pay attention to the shame we may be experiencing, we start to notice some recurring messages or “tracks” as I like to call them. Shame has a tendency to play these same tracks on repeat until those tracks become part of the way we see ourselves. After a miscarriage, some commonly held shame tracks include:
“I’m less of a woman.”
“I shouldn’t be this sad.”
“I should have been able to protect my pregnancy.”
“There is something wrong with me if I can’t have children.”
Speaking from personal experience, these shame tracks can be overwhelming, isolating, and so painful to hear, especially when they are kept in the dark and played on repeat. We can’t stop these tracks from showing up, but we can respond differently the next time they make an appearance.
The Power of Noticing and Naming
If there was one technique I could teach someone in therapy, it would be the exercise of noticing and naming. It is SO impactful to be able to become aware of the stories our mind tells us, and this is certainly the case for our shame tracks. While the intensity of my shame tracks decreased when I exposed them to the light by sharing them with my loved ones, they still popped up every now and again. This is where noticing and naming comes in. Let’s say my newly pregnant friend shares how excited she is for me to have kids one day and just like that my shame track rockets to the surface. Cue the old shame track: “What if I can never have kids? My friend will think something is wrong with me.” Instead of battling against this track, I notice it and I give it a name.
A key part of noticing is that it’s done without judgment and self-blame. You simply acknowledge that thought—ah, there you are, I see you—and then you name it. To come up with a name, I will often ask my clients, “If we were to put all the thoughts, images, and feelings of this experience in a book, what would the title be?” The title of the shame track I described above became “The Motherhood Identity Crisis.” Thus, when I notice that particular shame track come up, I simply say, “Ah, The Motherhood Identity Crisis is popping up” or even “There she is, The Motherhood Identity Crisis, back for a visit.” By allowing it to be acknowledged, with no judgment and even with a glint of humor, the proverbial light zaps the shit out of that shame track.
Shrink Your Shame Tracks
Shame tracks are those recurring stories our minds tell us about how we are somehow deficient or not worthy (e.g., I’m less of a woman, I didn’t do enough to protect my pregnancy). Explore and identify the recurring shame tracks your mind plays on repeat and expose them to the light by writing them down.
After you have identified your dominant tracks, choose a loved one with whom you feel safe and share these tracks out loud with them. Allow yourself to notice your reaction in speaking these stories out loud and consider the response of your loved one. The next time this track comes up, notice it and name it explicitly.
>>>
It’s easy to feel alone after a miscarriage. It’s easy to question the impact of this life-changing event when it’s so rarely discussed. So, I want to offer you an invitation. If you have been affected by miscarriage, I want to invite you to make the space for yourself to acknowledge, to process, and to grieve because it is a BIG deal. One of the shame tracks playing during the early days of my miscarriage was, “Am I making this too big?” For myself, for all the women, partners, and people out there affected by this universal experience, I want to offer you a resounding “NO.” This is a huge, hideous, terrible, painful, traumatic, and life-changing event and we deserve all the space in the world to acknowledge that. I’ll be right there with you.
Feeling lost and without a map on how to navigate the painful journey that is pregnancy loss? You can book online with us here for a session. Questions first? Not a problem. You can book for a free 15 minute consult with us too.
Check out Dr. Osborn’s book, “The Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting” under our Self-Empower section. It’s available on Amazon.
You can hear an information packed interview with Dr. O and Whitney Port here: