Communication in Relationships: Feel Seen and Connected
One of the foundational skills that comes up in almost every couples therapy session is communication and healthy relationships. Whether it’s with your partner, family members, friends, or co-workers, communication in relationships can help you feel more connected, seen, and heard.
Communication is also a unique art that may look slightly different for the individuals trying to grow closer to one another. Even great communicators can benefit from taking a curious lens to those around them to learn even more about how people like to interact and engage.
So while this blog post is a grounding place to come when it feels like communication in relationships is a constant barrier, you don’t need to be in the throes of miscommunication to see value from the insights our couples therapists and relationship coaches share below.
We invite you to sit back, get comfortable, and get curious as you prioritize this very important aspect of any strong, loving, and ultimately more fulfilling relationship.
The importance of relationships and communication
If you’re here, you don’t need to be convinced of the fact that respectful communication in relationships is important. What we do want to reiterate however is the value it can bring to various aspects of relationship-building.
Regardless of how long you’ve been close with someone , misunderstandings, frustration, and disconnection are bound to happen. While it can seem preferable to imagine a successful relationship as one that doesn’t run into these things often, it can feel even better to know you can navigate anything together because you’ve invested time into finding a communication style that works for your unique relationship.
The big picture: Why is communication important?
Knowing how to talk to one another with respect, understanding, and a shared goal to get to a win/win outcome makes the challenges of life feel a bit less heavy. Here’s what that looks like as you envision the long-haul of your relationship:
Both partners can openly express their needs, desires, and emotions while understanding one another’s
There is trust and intimacy established with a deeper emotional connection and honesty about what’s serving the relationship and what is not
Conflict management strengthens, with a clearer path to identify outcomes without the blur or distraction of miscommunication
Partners can clearly understand one another, fostering empathy and making your relationship a valuable resource for managing individual and shared stressors
Teamwork becomes more natural as partners can coordinate efforts and make decisions that are mutual and honor what will benefit everyone
There is a safe space created to share feelings and emotions (both big and small)
Another benefit of communication in relationships is that the safe space it creates helps each partner individually feel more comfortable to explore new things and grow. Knowing the relationship is a warm place to land can support risk taking and pushing new boundaries of personal and career development with confidence and a grounding sense of achievement.
When does communication matter?
So this may be a bit of a trick question because communication in relationships always matters. However, there are some important moments in a relationship that you might find yourself grasping for the communication skills we’ll outline below.
Conflict or disagreement: Trying to manage a conflict requires respectful dialogue and understanding one another’s perspectives to arrive at a common ground without damage that can last days and potentially build longer term resentment.
Life transitions: Anything from moving in together to meeting each other's coworkers and getting married and becoming parents can leave you needing a safe way to talk about what’s coming up during the transition and how to both feel grounded as you navigate together.
Stressful times: Knowing communication patterns and knowing you can rely on your partner to be a warm place to land when you’re undergoing a stressful time is so important.
Planning for the future: Communication also helps you and your partner get on the same page, and feel understood as you identify a shared vision for the most fulfilling everyday life together.
Expressing emotion: Sometimes there are harder feelings to talk about than others that can feel heavier without the skills to express them in a way that feels comfortable, or knowing how to respond to a partner who is opening up about something in their heart.
What to do when you can't communicate with your partner
If you’ve been reading this and immediately judging yourself or your relationships for the very normal struggles that arise as you try to communicate important topics, take that deep sigh of relief knowing you’re in the right place of curiosity to learn more about sharpening your skills and feeling supported.
There is likely no couple in the history of time that started with perfect communication and never had to grow in this area. If you feel shame coming up around good communication in a romantic relationship, know that its an area couples work on forever because you’re both growing and learning along the way. Different seasons of life will require different ways to express what you need from your partner, and what they need from you.
Growing closer and getting to know areas of opportunity for better communication with your partner is an act of relationship self care and a regular practice. Checking in continuously on what’s feeling good and breaking down the pressure of “doing it right” will help you advocate for what you both need to feel connected.
Understanding one another in conflict
When you’re experiencing conflict, it’s natural to want to jump ahead to a solution quickly. Conflict management is all about understanding one another on a deeper level. Relationships require compromise and acceptance that not every challenge will leave both partners with a perfect solution, but will be an opportunity to learn more about what you both need, see the world through one another’s eyes, and practice communicating effectively.
How to communicate effectively
Learning how to communicate effectively in a relationship is how you keep it strong. Below, we’ve outlined some basic principles and tips anyone can lean on to create more meaningful conversations and foster positive relationships in all areas of daily life.
5 principles for effective communication in relationships
Active listening: Did you know that the quality of what someone is willing to share often depends on the quality of how well they are being listened to? Taking the time to listen without interrupting, showing them you’re engaged by nodding your head, making eye contact, and reflecting back what you’ve heard someone say to confirm you truly understand can allow for positive communication and increased connection. (Sorry to burst the bubble, but if your partner is not being the best communicator, you probably have something to do with that.)
Clarity and honesty: Being clear and openly honest about what you feel, think, and DO need (rather than focusing on what you don’t need) and avoiding any vague statements that may cause miscommunication.
Empathy and understanding: Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand their perspective and be able to better acknowledge and validate them. Try to listen for the emotion your partner is sharing and find a time in your own life where you experience the same emotion. This will make empathy skyrocket.
Non-verbal communication: Looking at body language, facial expressions, movement, and tone of voice to understand what people are trying to say more clearly.
Constructive feedback: Giving honest review that is positive and avoids anything that has a “but”, fact checks, or adds criticism (You aren’t doing it right) that might come across as a personal attack.
Healthy communication in relationships: 10 tips
We’ll help you promote open communication with intimate relationships, or connections with family, friends, and those at work with these tips and insights. Remember, everything takes practice, so choosing a few tips to focus on can help you start to invite new conversation styles.
Schedule regular check ins
It’s important to set aside time to discuss important topics where you can be fully present and engaged. One way we love to see couples do this is to begin a weekly State of the Union meeting ritual.
The Gottman Institute created the State of the Union meeting as a regular check in with some gentle structure to work through any communication issues in a safe environment and time set aside to promote ongoing healthy communication in relationships. This way, struggles or heavy moments can be addressed proactively and not bubble up when things would be more likely to escalate. Think of it as a nice first step to get ahead of communication problems, and emphasize your own needs as well as what your partner needs for relationship satisfaction.
Here are a few ways you can use a concept similar to the State of the Union meeting:
Find a consistent time to meet and discuss your relationship (we recommend weekly, but begin with what feels most realistic)
Maintain open communication about anything that comes up during the week
Address ongoing issues or concerns
Celebrate positive events and express gratitude toward one another
Set goals and intentions together
Practice patience to strengthen attachment
It may take time for someone to express what they need or feel, especially if they didn’t grow up in a family or around examples of doing so. That’s why patience is so important to good communication. You want to show respect and allow others to take their time.
Good communication is a skill like any other that you can learn, but it will take time and tons of practice. Make sure to meet any setbacks with grace for you and your partner. This is so normal as you learn something new!
A few ways to practice patience in communication:
Listen without interrupting to assist in open sharing
Take deep breaths to pause if you feel yourself growing impatient
Give space for reflection between thoughts
Allow for more time to respond and process as you go
Recognize different communication styles and emotional reactions
Build intimacy with open-ended questions
You can teach the practice of deeper conversations with some good questions that prompt more thoughtful answers. People may be used to only giving a glimpse into what they’re experiencing, but with the right prompts, they may feel like they can open up a bit more.
Examples of open-ended questions:
How do you feel about the way we’ve been handling challenges lately?
Is there anything on your mind I can create some space for right now?
What are some things you think we could do differently?
Can you share more about how that made you feel?
What were you thinking about how we should approach this upcoming decision?
Practice listening for assumptions
It’s easy to protect ourselves from feeling a certain way when challenges or conflict arise that make us uneasy by assuming the worst. Similarly, an assumption can be made during moments of poor communication and create a negative impact when defensiveness and vulnerability get the best of us. While we wish we could avoid assumptions altogether, assumptions are often made automatically without any conscious thought.
What we can do to work towards problem solving is to notice when these assumptions show up and gently invite ourselves to consider additional perspectives. Bonus for bringing your assumption to your partner and having them clarify what they mean or give you the alternative perspective. The key to communication in relationships is to remain curious and see if your partner’s take can unpack negative assumptions, open a line of communication, and help your partner share their inner world from their lens.
Here are a few examples of assumptions that can create frustration or resentment:
“They should know what I’m thinking without me saying anything, so they must not care”
“They don’t respect me because they’re not responding in the way I wanted them to”
“The last time someone reacted this way, they left. That must mean this person will leave too.”
Practice regulation and empathy in conflict
Easier said than done, we know! However, making the choice to enter a challenging conversation in a more regulated state can often change the outcome. It usually takes one person to set the tone, and showcasing a calm demeanor can often regulate the other person.
A few ways to maintain your cool even during times where you’re feeling stress and discomfort can include pauses that remind you to ground yourself and reflect before you continue the conversation, or incorporating physical touch. Holding someone’s hand while expressing yourself or listening can show them that despite the conflict, you still care deeply and it’s safe to speak openly even if it’s hard.
Express appreciation and compassion regularly
The feeling of gratitude and knowing you’re appreciated is a powerful way to increase the connection you have with someone else and provide a cushion to inevitable moments of disconnection. You can create a habit of expressing gratitude regularly to support communication in relationships and understanding of how someone else sees you.
Examples of day-to-day gratitude statements include:
“Thanks for making dinner tonight. I really enjoyed it and saw all the effort you put in.”
“I love how supported you made me feel this week when I felt like I couldn’t give my all”
“I appreciate you taking time to listen to me rant today about my work dilemma. It was a small challenge but having you there to understand was so important.”
Agree on a signal for time-outs
Sometimes, conversations are at a point where they are no longer productive. In those moments, knowing how to mutually express the need for a break can save it from going any further into a hurtful direction. Self regulation is incredibly important when you feel yourself becoming too dysregulated.
Don’t forget that it is best to pause and tend to yourself than to keep going. How many times have you experienced or heard others say “I said things I didn’t mean”? Trust me, we get it and it happens! Taking that pause to tap into mindfulness and center yourself and your thoughts can also help you avoid saying something you don’t mean in the heat of an argument or bringing energy drain from your day out on someone else without processing.
You can establish a break signal that may look like:
A phrase such as “break” “time out” or “pause” (you can also get creative here)
A signal such as a sudden hug or hand hold to break the tension and call for the time out
A song you can both listen to as a natural 3-4 minute break and moment of regulation
An activity that you can do to physically break such as moving to a new room, taking a walk, or petting an animal
Pro tip: We recommend also making a promise to return to the conversation after a break to prevent anyone from feeling dysregulated by prolonged distance. You can also make an agreement to do your best to not rehearse your comebacks during your break time.
Be mindful of nonverbal cues
Nonverbal communication is just as valuable as the words someone says. Some people will show you a lot about how they feel through the things they don’t say, and knowing how to read that in addition to the conversation you have is part of excellent communication in relationships.
Nonverbal cues look different for everyone, and as you learn to adapt to the different styles individuals introduce over time you can strengthen relationships. Small actions and signals can provide more context to help you respond thoughtfully.
It is important to note that during moments of conflict or moments of perceived rejection, we may interpret both verbal and nonverbal cues through a lens of danger aka “He’s crossing his arms. He’s over this conversation.” This is why we encourage being mindful of nonverbal cues and leading with curiosity to wonder and even ask about the body language you notice.
Take a look at:
Expressions like frowning, smiling, or furrowing brows
Crossing arms, legs, or slouching in ways that look like disengaging
Eye contact or lack of
Changing pitch of voice
Physical proximity, or how close someone is when communicating
Focus on solutions and not blaming
In a conversation where problems arise, a solution might not always be clear. At the same time, there’s a difference between seeking a win/win scenario and amplifying the problem with blame toward one another for creating it. Blame can often lead to one partner feeling like they need to walk on egg shells, which may lead them to become passive communicators.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who caused a problem that faces a relationship. That information may be helpful to dissect to prevent future challenges and learn valuable lessons, but it matters far more to focus on working as a team to get to a solution.
This may mean asking one another what a desirable outcome looks like, and making sure you both know that as a team you will make the most of the situation to find a way to the other side even if it takes some time.
Lean on professional support
If you find yourself looping the same conversations over and over without resolution, or struggling to break through to someone you care about to truly understand what they’re feeling or needing, there is always professional support available to help you.
Working with a relationship coach or couples therapist can offer you:
Personalized guidance on effective communication in relationships
Identification of blocks that hinder communication in relationships
Conflict resolution tools
Exercises to gain insight into your partner
Neutral mediation for conversations that you’re working through
Gain support for communication in relationships
Feel safe to explore communication in relationships with couples therapy
At Modern Therapy, couples therapy is approached with a deep understanding that healing and growth often start with one person. Our heart-led, humanistic approach recognizes that even when only one partner attends therapy, it can create a ripple effect that positively influences the relationship.
We focus on increasing receptivity and fostering deeper connections by drawing on techniques to empower individuals to be the change they wish to see in their partnership. Our team of passionate couples therapists are always learning more techniques to support the modern couple and the very real life demands that exist in any stage of a long-lasting relationship.
Our work is grounded in attachment theory, interpersonal therapy, family systems approaches, Emotion Focused Therapy (PACT) and Gottman Therapy.