A Mindful Deep Dive: Where Does Perfectionism Come From?
Can you relate to wanting to be your absolute best and always do things right, even if it exhausts you in the process? Have you ever felt that wave of anxiety or pressure hit your shoulders when you’re not seeing your ideal outcome in reach? Perfectionism can be a relentless voice that pushes you to do more and makes it feel unacceptable to fall short.
This protector part aims to look out for you by preventing failure, rejection, and criticism. Exploring perfectionism can help you understand this part of yourself better and meet yourself with compassion when that voice gets loud.
And y’all know how scary it can feel to think about shutting off this inner motivator that got you to accomplish so much in life. That’s why we want to assure you that the goal isn’t to get rid of this part ; it’s just to understand how to shift perfectionism into more of a supportive role than one that feels like it’s in the driver’s seat running your life.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism often starts as a way to protect ourselves by being flawless. It comes from a set of beliefs that center around never failing as a way to gain safety, love, or acceptance. Even if sometimes it feels like trying to be perfect is too heavy to carry, this part of us isn’t an enemy.
Perfectionism is trying to help us, but it’s also ok to name that it can quickly become a vicious cycle of self-criticism, impossible standards, and burnout. As you achieve under the grip of unhealthy perfectionism, your standards only get higher, which means you’re never left feeling like you’ve done enough.
Where does perfectionism come from?
The development of perfectionism can come from a deep desire to feel accepted and valued, to meet high expectations—whether from others or the ones you set for yourself. Here are a few examples of where we can first meet our perfectionist part:
Early life experiences: You might have been praised for achievements or being "the best," leading to a belief that your worth is tied to perfection, or you might have had adverse childhood experiences that created unrealistic expectations of what it means to be successful.
High expectations from others: If you are surrounded by people with high standards—whether family, teachers, or society—it can feel like you need to meet those expectations to be accepted.
Fear of judgment: If criticism or judgment was shared in your life, striving for perfection might have become a way to protect yourself from rejection or other negative thoughts like disapproval.
Desire for control: Fear of imperfection can sometimes stem from a need to control things in your life, especially if there’s uncertainty or chaos around you. This can add intense pressure and high personal standards to feel like things are under control.
Comparing yourself to others: Social media and other influences can create unrealistic standards that fuel the need to be perfect, leading you to believe you aren't enough as you are.
Internalized beliefs: Deep-rooted messages from childhood, culture, or past experiences can reinforce the idea that you must be a high achiever to be loved or valued. This can be in the form of academic success, athletic ability, or other perfectionistic traits that ask us to be what others believe we should be.
The good news is that the same drive that brings out perfectionism can be channeled into a healthy motivator. It’s just about taking a lens of self-compassion and remembering we’re all human (and there’s a beauty to imperfection that comes with that).
If that seems foreign, we’ve got you. Let’s dive deeper together.
How to recognize perfectionism in your life
Perfectionism can manifest in many ways. It’s not always about flawless work and being strong in every area of life. It can manifest in other ways from that internal voice telling us that doing things right is the only way.
Some other presentations of perfectionism might look like this:
Procrastination because deep down, you fear the outcome won’t be good enough—and you care so much that starting feels overwhelming, and intrusive thoughts keep you from taking a wrong step.
Pushing yourself to overwork and struggling to rest because productivity is the only way to prove your worth.
Harsh self-talk when you make a mistake is not because you want to be unkind to yourself but because you’ve learned to equate success with being "good enough," which can lead to a fear of failure.
People avoid new challenges or set lofty goals because the thought of failing—or not having it all figured out—makes them feel too vulnerable and preoccupied with success.
Seeking constant approval from others, hoping it will quiet the self-doubt inside, which can often be a vicious cycle of people pleasing others to gain that praise or acceptance and feel less stressed.
If any of these perfectionistic tendencies resonate with you, know there are many ways to greet these tendencies and mindsets with compassion. While sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, there are strengths you can channel from your desire to do your best as you explore what it would be like to permit yourself to be a little messy along the way.
Cultivating self-compassion around perfectionist tendencies
Perfectionism can manifest more when there’s a fear of being less than in any way. Sometimes, this means we’re tying our worth to achievements or the ability to do things without mistakes. When imperfections happen, coping and feeling our best without taking them personally can be more challenging.
So, what if we meet this part of ourselves that might want to judge or criticize us with compassion? You’re not alone if that sounds unrealistic, and it takes time to practice self-compassion and introduce that new voice to the table. Learning to work with our perfectionist parts can make them feel far less like an enemy when things aren’t going as planned and be an essential step towards…
Ways to bring compassion to your perfectionist parts
Notice when it shows up: Instead of judging yourself for being perfectionistic, start by simply recognizing when it’s happening. Are you procrastinating? Overworking? Seeking external validation? Awareness can help you see opportunities to bring in compassion.
Shift criticism to curiosity: When you catch yourself in a perfectionist loop, you might pause and ask: What is this part trying to protect me from? What is it afraid would happen if I let go of control? What if high achievement doesn't happen? If you think about a specific outcome that would bring shame, rejection, or disappointment, you can affirm yourself and ask how you might go about it if the pressure wasn’t so intense.
Practice self-talk that feels kind: When your perfectionist voice tells you, “This has to be perfect,” or “You’re not doing enough,” try responding with a gentler truth:
“It’s okay if this isn’t perfect—done is better than perfect.”
“I am worthy, even if I don’t get this exactly right.”
“Rest is productive, too”
Redefine what it means to be successful: Instead of measuring your worth by how much you accomplish, what would it look like to succeed in a way that feels nourishing and introduces an element of balance? Maybe success isn’t about doing more, but doing things with more intention to bring about ease, presence, and honoring your needs.
Be imperfect on purpose – Perfectionism can keep you stuck in procrastination or avoidance if you’re not able to give it your all. What if you challenged yourself to take small, imperfect steps on purpose, with the empowerment that you can do so without it taking away from who you are and your worth? What doors might open?
Approach your perfectionist part like a friend – If a loved one struggled to be perfect or presented some mistakes to reach a goal, you likely wouldn’t see them as less valuable or loveable. It can help to think about this part of you as a friend who needs to be seen with kindness to know it's okay to be a bit messy.
-> Try out more self-kindness exercises
Grounding exercises to soothe perfectionist traits
When perfectionism feels overwhelming, it can be similar to an anxiety response, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), or any other form of nervous system dysregulation. These grounding techniques can bring you back to the present moment, making it much easier to practice compassion.
The 5-4-3-2-1 method
Take a deep breath and begin to look around you. Start by naming five things you can see. Let your eyes move over the space and notice what stands out; there is no rush. Then, gently reach out and notice four things you can touch, perhaps the softness of your clothing or the coolness of the air. Next, close your eyes and focus on three things you can hear, letting the sounds around you guide you into the present.
Take a moment to inhale profoundly and notice two things you can smell: the scent of your surroundings filling your senses. Finally, take a small taste and savor one thing you can taste, whether it's the lingering flavor of a drink or the freshness of the air. This simple mindfulness exercise helps bring your awareness back to the present moment, calming your mind and body.
Box breathing
Find a comfortable position and gently close your eyes. Begin by inhaling for four counts, filling your lungs with calm. Hold your breath for four counts, feeling the stillness. Slowly exhale for four counts, releasing any tension, then hold your breath again, letting your body settle. Continue this cycle, each round helping to soothe your nervous system, grounding you in peace and calm.
Body scan meditation
Find a comfortable seat, lie down, and gently close your eyes. Begin to take slow, deep breaths as you bring your awareness to the top of your head. Slowly scan your body from head to toe, noticing how each part feels. Don’t judge what you find—simply notice. If you feel tension or discomfort, imagine your breath gently flowing into that area, softening and releasing any tightness. Continue breathing deeply, allowing each exhale to bring more relaxation and ease.
-> Learn more about the mind-body connection.
Self-compassion mantras
Mantras can serve as reminders to be gentler with yourself. Here are a few to try:
“I am enough, just as I am.”
“Progress is more important than perfection.”
“I give myself permission to make mistakes and learn.”
“I am doing my best, and my best is enough.”
“I choose self-compassion over self-criticism.”
Letting go of the pressure
Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t about giving up on doing your best—it’s about making room for the things that matter: fun, creativity, and just being yourself. It’s about realizing that your worth isn’t tied to being perfect but to the fact that you’re a human, figuring things out, and deserving of love and kindness along the way.
Instead of trying to “fix” perfectionism, what if you saw it as just part of who you are? It’s not something to battle, but something you can work with—use that drive for good in a way that feels a little lighter. You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of all life's good stuff.
So, what’s one small thing you can do for yourself today to show some love? Maybe it’s cutting yourself slack or taking a moment to appreciate where you are, even if things aren’t “perfect.” You’ve already made progress, and you’re doing great.
Frequently asked questions: Perfectionism
How do I know if high standards are perfectionism?
It’s great that you’re reflecting on this! High standards can motivate personal growth, but perfectionism often comes with a heavier emotional burden. If your standards feel unachievable, cause you significant stress, or make you overly critical of yourself, those might be signs of perfectionism. It’s helpful to ask yourself how you feel when you don’t meet those standards—do you feel disappointment, shame, or anxiety? Recognizing these feelings can help you differentiate between healthy ambition and perfectionistic pressure.
Can childhood experiences impact perfectionism?
Childhood experiences can significantly influence how we view ourselves and our worth. Suppose you grew up in an environment where achievement was highly valued or criticism was familiar. In that case, it’s natural to develop perfectionistic tendencies to seek approval or avoid negative judgment. It’s important to remember that these patterns are often formed as a coping mechanism, and understanding this can help you approach your feelings with kindness and compassion.
Can mindfulness help me cope with imperfection?
Yes, mindfulness can be a powerful tool for coping with imperfection! Mindfulness teaches you to be present with your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This can help you acknowledge your imperfections and recognize that they’re part of being human. Mindfulness also encourages self-acceptance and self-compassion, which can lessen the grip of perfectionism. It might be helpful to start with small mindfulness practices, like focusing on your breath or noticing your surroundings, and gradually build from there.
Is procrastination always linked to perfectionism?
Procrastination and perfectionism often go hand in hand, but they aren’t always linked. For some people, the fear of not meeting their high standards can lead to avoiding or delaying starting tasks. However, procrastination can also stem from various other factors, like feeling overwhelmed, lacking motivation, or simply needing a break. Exploring your patterns and understanding what’s driving your procrastination is essential. Reflecting on your feelings can offer valuable insights and help you find strategies that work for you.
If any of these resonate with you, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complexities. You're on a journey of self-discovery, which is a beautiful process!
